Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Two Years

I have been contemplating on certain things for a long time, when I say things; it actually refers to my past. My entire belief is based on forgetting the past and dumping it, but it still haunts and troubles me as nightmares. Come to think of it we all know that, the only inevitable thing in this life is change, and we all should be open towards changes, but are we?
If the entire peaceful life of yours changes in a flash, how will you grapple with the situation? It’s easy to say, that the changes must be accepted and we must go with the change. I rather think that we must adapt to changes rather than bend to it.
What happened to me that in two years was an eye opener. It might have happened to most of us, but the thing is we might have not noticed it. "What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare" as quoted by W.H Davies. Even though Davies drew parallel with nature’s beauty, I am drawing parallels with the beauty of life. Have we ever stopped and stared at the finer nuances or the subtlety our life. I am not being poetic here, nor philosophical. The two years that had been the most dramatic, and the most turbulent time in my life has made me think, rethink at how best to cope with the changes, be it good or bad.

What made these changes, were these a simple probability game, some one throwing the dice and making life change, a random probability experiment by supreme force; maybe , maybe not. I am an agonistic person, so I won’t deny the fact of a supreme being out in existence, because the world is too complicated to be explained by big bang theory, unified particles theory, string theory or any run of the mill theory. In a similar manner I neither support the manifestations of the Supreme Being into sects sub sects of different classes. Again coming back to the context, to make more sense, why did it happen to me?

What were these changes; to begin with, after breaking from the cocoon of safety from college life, and being exposed to the real world, I realized how vulnerable I was. I was stripped of all the false notions, staring at the real world. What was the change, well it was not all of a sudden it was slow, my sheer negligence and utter disrespect of curriculum landed me in a terrible soup. I was without a degree, and facing a life full of opportunity which was beckoning me, taunting me, but here I was helpless, muted down and that’s when I realized and stared back at what I had missed upon. The finer nuances that i had talked about earlier; it was here that I realized what I had lost, and gained. It is well said that you realize the importance of something when you have lost it. I realized the importance, of having to maintain a very balanced curriculum along with the social life that I had back at college. I realized on the numerous lost opportunities because of the lack of foresight so infact these changes were not a random probabilistic game at all it was a series unfortunate events, well not out of a Lemony Snickets tale, but out of callousness from my part.
How did i go about it, i lamented, fretted, fumed, cursed God for throwing the wrong dice and making me an experiment, and spent a lot of time just doing nothing apart from basking in the glory of my failure. After a certain point in time i realized that i was drowning and had to do something to get back onto the main stream in order to survive. What i did was nothing extraordinary; i just gave things a try. If we focus on the problem alone, then probably we will be faced with a garbled solution. If we focus beyond the problem, maybe we will see things more clearly. This was not an idea which ricocheted like a thunderbolt from a clear blue sky. It is now, when i think about those hard times that i realize that i could have done much better if i considered other options. My main obstacle was to clear my papers. Rather than focusing on the numbers i just took each subject and, made sure that whatever i studied i should pass. It worked, although it took time, it worked. Then i had to get rid of my ego. The ego had built itself into a ominous monster, and to satisfy his craving was almost an Herculean task. Of all the difficulties in this world, i feel that to shed of ones ego, or to tone it down, is an arduous task. If we do this then all will fall into place. I am not saying that we should not have an ego, that’s not my point. Without an ego we would be listless, a saint. Who doesn’t have an ego, even animals have it. What we must have is a healthy ego. In order to tone down mine, i had to realize what i was dealing with, what were the tasks at hand, where i could go if i paddled in the right direction, it helped to certain extent. I was always envious of my friends, well here goes one more level of my ego, i hate to admit it but yes. I was envious, because most of them were placed and were in coveted places in very good companies, and why was i envious because they did well, no i was envious because that could have easily been me. I always fumed on this point, i always thought that i could do much better than him or her, but still i am here, i thought that i was destined to be like this. This was one of the egos that i worked on, and finally i overcame it, at least for a brief period of time. We are a manifestation of our own imagination; we are what we think we are. As long as you don’t think that you are worth something in this world then its better that you stop living, probably you might be already dead or like a zombie. I tried to believe that i am worth something, because even the worst of us can serve as the best example. I believed in the popular notion that it’s THE I CAN that will help anyone rather than the I.Q. I took up a simple job, worked and toiled on that job, working on peanuts. My perseverance paid in the end. After a hiatus of two years, i finally got a break here in Bangalore, although its nothing much to make a commotion about, still the job is much better.

What will i conclude this post with? Have i actually proved something? Have i actually done something remarkable? Was i outstanding in overcoming my challenges?
The answers are an emphatic no. But the thing is i tried, although i haven’t got much far, but i have made progress. Will i stop trying to achieve the rest of my dreams? Well heck no, i will not stop. I will keep pushing myself even if I fail, meet drastic changes, but i will never falter, because i believe in trying and in believe in ME.